This weekend I had one of the most horrific experiences of my life. The largest bug in all creation decided to make his abode in my abode around 11pm Saturday night. May and I were chatting about something and she looked at the wall and screamed. Being the ever cool person I am I told her I would kill it. Then I saw it and all bravery left me. I will tell you that the bug did die and that one of these is how I killed it.
1. Make your pet kill it.
[caption id="attachment_1785" align="aligncenter" width="600"]
Penny refused to do anything but be held during the trauma that ensued.[/caption]2. Call the Helpful Honda People to do it. After all it is their job to be helpful.
3. Squash it with a shoe you will never wear again.
4. Call the police or fire department to come. Don't tell them what it is for. Instead tell them it is for a domestic disturbance, cause it is true. That bug disturbed my domestic tranquilly. My tax dollars should pay for at least one bug removal a year.
5. Post a plea on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/EricaJacquline/status/480226489640570881
6. Post an ad on Craigslist for a booty call then when they get there have them kill the bug and then kick them out. (This one sounds pretty risky, only use it as a last resort).
7. Join Tinder and have the first non-murdery person that is within a mile come over. (This is the second lest safe option).
8. Move.
9. Call your newly married friend and ask her husband and her to come over and kill it.
10. Call your dad, uncle, mailman. Warning they will make fun of you the whole time, a small price to pay. Did you know that june bugs will only be around for the next six days? After that they will be julybugs.
11. Find a can of Raid you forgot about and spray the heck out of the kitchen cabinet the bug locked itself in. Sit back for 15 minutes. Then listen to the bug fight for life for about two minutes and go to bed. Do not open the cabinet until 2 the next afternoon and gently and quickly move the dead bug from the cupboard with an empty Swiffer box. Run as fast as you can to a neighbors trashcan outside and throw that creep away.
I am sure you are having a hard time figuring out which of these amazing tactics I used on Saturday to get rid of unwelcome roommate.
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Paulina Color Me Brave
what kind of bug are we talking about here? a man eating spider? a flying cockroach?
ReplyDeleteI am fine with bugs when they are outside (unless they fly at my face, not cool!) but when they are inside my house in my safe zone then they freak me out. My husband is my bug assassin. haha!
ReplyDeleteI tell my fiance all the time that this is the reason why I keep him around. He is the professional bug killer of this house.
ReplyDeleteLast Friday night a very large fly made its way into my condo. When I went to bed it made its way into my bedroom and buzzed around my head and landed on the TV. The next morning I woke up and saw it on the window. I went over to smush it. When I tried it just fell into the window sill. I was like "Great! It died on its own!". Then last night there was another fly in my condo. I couldn't figure out how it got in because the windows and doors had been closed. After it buzzed around my head and my nieces head for a while and after it kept bumping into my bathroom mirrors over and over again, I remembered the first fly. I went to look at the window sill (because yes, I did not put it in the trash) it was gone! The fly had come back to life. Now I stopped hearing the fly (which we now call Norman) last night... but I have a feeling it will come back.
ReplyDeleteHaha! This list is hilarious. My room has been like a bug sanctuary lately. I kill the big ones with my Chaco (it only seems appropriate). The small ones live because I'm too tired to get out of bed and deal with them.
ReplyDeleteI saw a roach at my parent's house the other day and almost cried. I hate them and I'm terrified of them!
ReplyDeleteThat has happened to me. I freaked out. The worst feeling in the world is feeling something crawling on your leg when you're in your bed, which is suppose to be the safest place. My call for help is my mom, haha.
ReplyDeleteI had a similar encounter with a water bug in my bathroom once at 11pm. After freaking out and finally got up enough courage to kill it. I was paranoid for the next two weeks when I went in my bathroom.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely call your newly married friend and have her husband do it. He needs to prove himself, anyway!
ReplyDeleteKilling bugs is the worst! That's one of the best parts about having a pet is that they usually swoop in and bravely save the day for you. When your dog won't even go near it, you know it's bad news...haha!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, this was hilarious! I used to live in a house with three other girls and I was always the once called to kill the crickets that would enter our house. Next time try a broom, it leaves a nice distance between you and the enemy lol
ReplyDeleteHaha, one time my childhood friend and I didn't want to kill this huge bug because we didn't want to hear "the crunchy noise." Instead, we tried to drown it in water and ended up SOAKING her mother's kitchen...We had to use like 15 towels to clean up the mess! Too bad we didn't have your list to help us back then. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is some bug! But...good tips haha. I hate bugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI call my mom...shes about 350 miles away
ReplyDeleteI was so hoping you would blog about that picture! Cleo is a professional spider killer, which - as freakin gross as that is, I'm so thankful every time. Before Cleo, while in college, my roommates and I were known to get our next door neighbors, people driving by, basically anyone who would come kill bugs for us and we'd pay them in beer. (It's a miracle we were never murdered.)
ReplyDeleteahhh I hate creepy bugs and not living with a male to kill them is the worst. I have found so many nasty spiders lately :( I am ready to move out for that reason alone!! also I liked your junebug joke :)
ReplyDeleteRight! If I am on their turff by all means be there, but my house? No way!
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I didn't look too close when I disposed the body. I didn't want to know if it was a roach. I then cleaned my house all day.
ReplyDeleteThey are the worst! Why do roaches happen to good people??
ReplyDeleteI usually just ignore them too, This one was too big to handle!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! creepy!!!
ReplyDeleteI need to get me one of those!
ReplyDeleteIt is always at night! I had a centiped in my sink last year at like 11pm too. The brain can not handle that that late at night.
ReplyDeleteugh! I once had a mouse in my bed at a camp. I wanted to die.
ReplyDeleteyes! Penny was scared though, probably becasue I was scared. Also it was in a cabinet and I dont think Penny could have gotten up there!
ReplyDeleteI tried! They were back home 20 miles away. They called the next day to make sure it was ok though. good people.
ReplyDeleteThey are terrible!
ReplyDeleteHaha! I often drown bugs if they are close enough to a sink.
ReplyDeleteGood call. It was in my cabinet though so I would have broke a ton of dishes!
ReplyDeleteSee I need to get me a male for this one reason alone!
ReplyDeleteI was considering getting my neighbors, but they hate me, do you remember the poop story? hahaha!
ReplyDeleteHA! I called my mom too. She laughed at me and then refused to come help.
ReplyDeletesounds like you need a bug bomb
ReplyDelete