The "Juan" To Remember

Every single year I tell myself I am over the whole Bachelor shebang and every year I end up watching it anyway.  I actually had lofty plans of doing Pilates at him and reading a book, but when my best friend Laura called and asked if I was watching I gave in.  I am weak.

To begin I was really into Juan Pablo when he was on Des's season.  In fact he was the only one I was into.  He seemed happy all the time and was not involved in any of the man drama that occurred, well at least he never was on the TV when the man drama occurred, plus he is hot.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="225"] This is his Twitter Photo, I mean come on![/caption]

I am pretty sure other women noticed this and he quickly rose in fame and became the Bachelor.  Then I lost interest.  The more he talked the less I liked him, which goes to show I just liked the fantasy of him.  That being said the women on the show are not as relationship savvy as I am and they have yet to figure that one out.

Last night as I watched the 27 women pile out of limos or play a moving piano I realized this poor guy likes them all!  I mean he really liked all the girls!  How do I know this?  He gave "free spirit" and "dog lover" a rose.  Those are the girls job titles by the way.  Ladies times are tough you can say you are looking for a job or a husband, we understand.

Watching Juan Pablo make those terrible choices made me realize this guy doesn't know what he is doing.  I have personally taken it upon myself to give him some clear warning signs of women he should avoid and help lead him on his path to "The Juan." (By the way ABC I am pretty sure Juan-uary is not going to happen.)

Top Girls to Avoid on The Bachelor 

1. A girl who was just dumped by her fiancé and his child.  



Yeah Lauren H. I am looking at you.  I am pretty sure the theatrically crying you went through shows you should not have been cast on The Bachelor and should have been referred to a therapist.  No but really I think you need to talk to someone and get those feelings out in a safe space.  If you happen upon this blog, contact me, I know some really great people.

2. A girl you can have a full conversation while crying. 



Gosh Lauren H. this is you again.  I came up with a theory last night that if a girl can talk while crying she cries lot.  For example when I cry I CRY.  I mean no words come out of my mouth and I just cry.  I only cry like once every three months so I am just not accustomed to doing other things while crying.  If a lady can multitask while crying she is drama.

3. A girl who doesn't wear shoes in social settings.

Oh Lucy you Free Spirit you!  Unfortunately, being a pretend hippie quit being cute when yu left college and your co-op farm.  I know you are unique and I hate to squash your dreams you keep in your dream journal, but other than being intriguing I do not know how long this can last.

4. A girl who says she can not wait to "rub" you upon meeting you.



Even if she is a professional like Amy was, that is just plain creepy.  I am pretty sure that the Better Business Buearu needs to be notified of this lady by the way.  Do you guys think anyone goes back after their first massage with her.  I would be afraid for my life.

5. A girl who doesn't know her name.



Actually I feel bad for little Kat, I mean Kylie.  She thought she heard her name and it was not her name.  It was by far the most awkward moment ever and I loved it.

6. She's just not that into you.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="320"] You can see it in her eyes, she is not into him.[/caption]

So Opera Singer girl was totally not impressed with good old JP which might be why he was so impressed with her.  I hate to tell you this boys, but if a girl doesn't like you it is usually clear, even if she is being nice.  Learn some cues and save yourself some time.

7. A girl who has Ombre hair.

I know this one might be mean, cause it might still be a trend, but really is it?  The lawyer girl who thought she was auditioning for a role on Judge Judy was interesting and ombre.  If a girl has orange hair run the other way.

8. A girl who is already faking a pregnancy.



Anyone want to guess what your future is going to look like?

JP "I think we should break up."

Girl "But I am pregnant!"

This could go on for years.

 

So far JP I only approve of two girls on the show, which could make for a long season.  My top choices for Juan are:

Nikki the Nurse 



Renee the Single Mom



At this point that is all you should care about because the others are just going to break your heart and drive you insane.  In fact just run away with Renee right now and blend your families.  I realize that all of this advice is a few months too late, but I have faith in the development of time machines and I know you will be able to rectify your poor choices one day soon.  Be sure to bookmark this page in case time travel is a few years down the road.



That is all I got for today ladies!  Did you watch last night?  If so what did you think?  Who were your favorites?

In case the Bachelor is not your thing, don't fret, I am not planning on writing about it each week.  Only when something really dramatic or silly happens. 

PS - is being a dog lover for a job socially acceptable yet?  I really want to hop on board that train.

PS Again - Thanks to everyone who came over from Crowley Party!  I hope you stick around and read more!  You can follow me on bloglovin' by clicking the button below.