Can I Do This Everyday? My First Night In Stand Up Comedy

I did it!  I mustered up my courage and I followed through with my plan to perform some stand up comedy at a local open mic.

I told a great friend of mine, that is a stand up comedian, that I would do a set before my next birthday.  I mentioned this half kidding, but totally serious.  I only say I was half kidding in case he forgot or thought it was a terrible idea so I could save face, that is very important in my culture.

My friend, his name is Adam, remembered and we decided we would wait until the summer, because he got married to one of my best friends in May.  I wrote about their wedding here in case you missed it.

I told Adam to find a place and pick a day and I would do it.  He knew about an open mic by my house and he picked a Thursday he did not have a show scheduled.  This happened in the middle of June and the next three weeks I was an anxious Annie anytime I remembered I had a date with comedy.

I would sit by my pool a few days a week and write jokes for a few hours.  I would run bits and pieces of things I was working on by my family, friends or even classes of students.  I over thought every little word for three weeks.  Every walk I took Penny on I was lost in thought about what I would say. I tend to take things a little too seriously.

Two days before the night I practiced in my living room for Penny.  She really seemed to like my jokes in Chinese.  I won't tell you how many times I practiced in my living room, but it was enough that I knew what I was going to say and I quit saying "um" every third word.

Finally the day came that I was 60% excited for and 60% nervous for.  Every time I thought about it that day my heart would start to race and I would get nervous.  I thought about backing out, but I would regret it and want to try again so I decided to stick it out.  I hung out with Laura and Adam for a good part of the day and had fun talking comedy and watching trash TV.  The time came and we were off to the Chatterbox in Covina.

Adam got there before me and put my name in and his. I am pretty sure he told everyone to be nice to me and laugh even if I was not funny.  I walked in and must have looked terrified because the host mentioned something about the fear in my eyes.

He drew my name I signed up to go 10th.  I figured that was enough time for me to see what these other people were up to and relax or run away if need be.  The first few people who went were pretty funny but the laughs were quiet and the room wasn't in an uproar.  For some reason this gave me more confidence because no one was getting huge laughs.

They called my name to tell me I was "on deck" and I went by the stage to get ready. I thought I was hidden from the audience and I was being silly and jumping around or dancing or something to get psyched.  It was what we did in high school theater, somehow it felt right.  Then I realized I could see the audience so that meant they could see me.  "Oh well" I thought, "you are probably going to embarrass yourself more when you go on stage. No biggie."

Then the girl before me called my name and I walked up and grabbed the microphone.  I had noticed that the three of us girls who preformed were all dressed exactly the same and I mentioned it as soon as I turned to the audience.  Surprisingly, I got a big laugh for that.  Then I made a comment about how great it was to hold a microphone after about 7 guys talked about touching themselves while holding the same mic. Living the dream.

[caption id="attachment_1827" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Clearly my "Have you ever noticed" pose.[/caption]

I went into a shorter version of my prepared material, I decided to stop early because I was getting laughs and I wasn't ready to not have people laugh at my material.  I went on for like three minutes, spoke in Chinese, and had a blast.

The time I was on stage was so fast in my mind that I am not sure how long I was there or really how the whole thing went.  I have a clear memory of it all, but it is also a blur.  I dropped the mic and went back to my seat (just kidding, I didn't drop the mic, but I wanted to).  My friends were telling me I did a great job and that I was funny.  Pretty much the best thing your friends could say.

We then waited for Adam's turn and for the rest of the night I kept thinking about how much fun I had.  I also was thinking that people get to tell jokes and make people laugh as a career.  I started to think how ticked off I was that my high school counselor never mentioned this as a career on career day.

So I might be riding high off of adrenaline right now three days later, but I can tell you I have to do this again.  It is so true that you have to do things that scare you in life.  It is so far beyond worth the experience that you gain and peace of mind knowing you did it.

Special thanks to Adam Cozens for finding a great place and for being kind in this whole thing!  Where are we going next?  Laura, thanks for sitting through your one millionth open mic, you are a good friend!

Blog readers, thanks for reading.  If I ever try this crazy thing again maybe I will let you know when and where!  There supposedly is video out there that I might share with you one day…

The Hair Cycle

I realized that I am such a creature of habit when it comes to my hair and my hair color.  It may not seem like it because I went from this:



To this:



in a day, but even that is predictable now.

Maybe you can relate to me, but I am on a hair cycle that is getting shorter every time.  The first time I think it was over the course of two years, then a year and this last time it was only six months.  I am pretty sure I am a addicted to changing my hair, is there a support group for that yet?

Here is how the cycle goes

1. Be brunette

I usually go brunette because well, God gave me brunette hair.  I will usually go through  a phase where I just want my hair to be natural and not have to worry about highlights.



2. Add a few highlights

This happens after about three months of natural clorored hair.  I get bored and want just a little something more.  I get really find blonde highlights to break up the monotony.



3. Shoot I have roots now, guess I gotta get my highlights touched up.

Because when you get your highlights done you actually get more blonde in your hair this turns in to the curliest cycle of all.  The more touch ups the blonder you become.  The less touch ups the more roots you have.  It is evil and I now know it is from the devil.



4.  Dang I am blonde!  Well if I am going to be blonde might as well ride it out and try and look like Jennifer Aniston.

So you bring in a photo of Jen A. in her honey blonde glory and think this is it.  This is the color I will stick with forever.  Then your roots show a month later and you hate yourself again.



5. Just dye it brown.  I cannot handle my roots and the blonde and it is too expensive.



6. Find a gray hair.  Blonde is closer to gray than brown.  I think I should get some highlights to hide this one gray hair….

Don't forget that Listed Tuesday will be back up and running again!  Sorry about last week for some reason running a graduation ceremony was time consuming, who knew?

 

There's Always Chinese Hitler

Hey Oh!  On Tuesday I shared some of my favorite pick up lines that I have heard in my life.  I promised I would tell you which of these fine fellas I actually went on a date with and i am ready to break it down for ya.  Before I do though please do not judge me too harshly!  Also you will see that the bar is set pretty low so if you are a mildly interesting fella who isn't too creepy there is probably hope for you.

- I was just sitting here drinking alone and wanted to know if you wanted to get coffee next week.

To be fair I did go out with this guy, but we just finished the hardest class and final ever.  I can understand drinking alone, that one time. 

- So wanna get dinner at Denny’s?

College days man.  Denny's was quite the romantic spot between the ages of 14 - 20. 

- Wanna come over and watch Indiana Jones tonight?

No I didn't want to come over and watch Indiana Jones, but I did and we dated for a month.  Then his mom made me chicken when I was a vegetarian and we broke up. 

- Have you ever been to the three dollar theater?

We didn't go to the three dollar theater.  We went to Baja Fresh instead.  I ordered nachos.  He never asked me out again. 

- Can I come over to your house and watch the latest episode of The Office?  I will bring cup of noodles for a snack.

So maybe I had no idea the cup of noodles were part of the deal.  He showed up to my house in jammies and a cup of noodles for each of us.  Then I ate it and he offered to get me more because "I have tons of these in the trunk of my car."

- I am training to become an ultimate fighting champion.  My cage name is Prince Of Pain.

It's true I dated the Prince Of Pain, POP.  Then he married one of my best friends.  It's the circle of love. 

As I look back on all these winning moments in my life I could lose hope.  However, when things get tough I remember that Chinese Hitler sent me the following email earlier this school year and apparently I have quite the fan base for 24 year old Chinese fascists.

---

From:wor-god (Hitler)
Date: Fri, Nov 22, 2013 at 9:56 PM
Subject: Hello, pretty girl, I want to be friends with you
To: erica jacquline

You must think of how I get your e-mail, and one of my friends in the U.S. you go to school, he let me see your picture, I think you're beautiful, I love you, so I want to my friend your mailbox and decided to become friends with you, I am a Chinese, I am 24 years old, if you prefer, we can continue to further develop our relationship.

---

I just copied and pasted this from my email account word for word.  You can not make stuff like this up.  Also I was really scared for like four months and just recently thought it was funny and I should share it with you. 

 

[caption id="attachment_1701" align="aligncenter" width="600"] None of these people are Chinese Hitler. They are just friends from work that laughed at the Chinese Hitler email.[/caption]

Rescued By A Hobbit In A Motor Boat

I am starting to write a book about all the random stories I have complied as a teacher of international students.  I asked my mom to remind me of any of the crazy things that have happened over the last three years.  She brought up all my favorite stores that I already had planned on writing.  Then halfway through dinner she looked at me and said, "Remember when your kayak sank in Catalina?" I actually had forgotten about that time, but that moment in my life, now with two years time to heal, was one of the most ridiculous.  Of course I will write about it in my book, but I thought I would share it with you in a more simple form with some visual aids.

This particular story takes place in April of 2012.  I was teaching juniors and seniors in high school at my current job and I was forced to chaperone the 8th grade class on their trip to Catalina.  When I tried to protest that I was much more valuable actually teaching my students on campus and they should get a teacher that you know actually taught 8th grade, I was told, "You are the only girl who works here that is adventurous and kind of outdoorsy."  I learned that "outdoorsy" meant that I took my classes outside to read a couple of times.

It was my first year there and I think contracts hadn't been handed out yet, so I sucked it up and rode the boat with 25 8th graders and 2 male teachers.

We boarded the bus and within ten minutes one of the kids was carsick and threw up on the bus.  In that moment I knew the trip was doomed.

After what seemed like the world's longest bus ride and then boat ride we arrived to our isle destination for the next three days, Catalina: the Island from Hell.



The first couple days were fine.  I had to make 6 of the most unwilling girls do things like wear a wet suit and go snorkeling.  I had to pretend like it wasn't the most disgusting thing in the world when our instructor told us to pee in our wet suits and that countless people before us had peed in the wetsuit we would be wearing that afternoon.  I kept it together when I had to eat the most disgusting camp food known to mankind.  I was cheerful to sleep in a cabin that did not have windows or electricity.  I even was willing to share the Oreos I brought with the girls (by share I mean bribe. I gave them a cookie every time they did something they didn't want to do).

Day Two and I was still hanging in there.  I was forcing myself to be positive for the kids and it was working.  In the afternoon my group was to go kayaking and I was actually excited for this activity.  I am pretty great at the kayak and well I didn't have to wear the pee suit for this activity. The instructor asked me to go in a kayak by myself and help her lead the group.  I said sure and went out on the Pacific Ocean armed with an oar and a life vest unaware of the danger that would befall me in 30 minutes.

I paddled out a ways and guided the kids to their destination. This part was easy and I was pretty proud of myself for how amazing I was at kayaking.  As a group we went around a part of the island for about half a mile.  As we were going I noticed that it was getting harder and harder to paddle. I had to put much more effort into it and I was getting tired really fast.  All that confidence I once had was quickly leaving.

After a struggle I made it to the group and we were linking up to get ready to go into a cave.  One of the boys held out his paddle so I could reach for it and link up.  I reached for the oar and he quit paying attention and moved his oar before I had a grip on it, 8th grade boys!  I was leaning out too far and my kayak tipped over and I fell in the freezing cold water.

All the kids were laughing, as they should have been it was funny, and were trying to help me get back in my kayak.  For some reason I couldn't get back in.  I kept trying to push myself in and as soon as I would be about to get in the kayak would flip over again.  I went through this process about 30 times and the kids instructor was getting really pissed off at me.  She held my kayak still yelled at me to get in the boat.  By this time I was holding back tears and was freezing cold.

Finally I got in the boat and it did not flip over.  Instead it sank. Yep my kayak sank in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with me in it.  At this point I was done.  There was no happiness to be found on the island from Hell.  The instructor was mortified and apologized for getting mad at me for not being able to get in my boat.  She realized that the kayak must have had a hole in it and was taking on water the whole time which made it tip over easily.  She called the shore and asked for someone to come rescue me and my boat.

I trended water for like 20 minutes and waited for my rescuer to arrive.  In many ways I understood why Rose wouldn't share her piece of wood with Jack and that scene from Titanic came alive for me in that moment, except Leo was a group of 13 year old children.  I would never have shared my door with them.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="650"] via[/caption]

Now I should tell you I have seen enough movies where people need to be rescued from the water and I was pretty excited for what was going to happen next.  I was anticipating being saved by a guy that looked like this:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="465"] via[/caption]

And instead a motor boat pulled up with this:

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="500"] via[/caption]

When my hobbit rescuer tried to help me in the boat I almost took him with me.  I am pretty sure sending a guy that was maybe 5'2 to save a girl who is 5'10 was the best idea ever.  In fact I would pay money to watch Frodo save Heidi Klum one day.  Yes I just compared myself to Heidi Klum.

After the first failed attempt he decided he needed to save the boat before he saved me.  He got the kayak tied to the motor boat and 10 minutes later decided he should save the human freezing in the water.  I told hobbit boy that I would push myself up on the boat and he just needed to help me find the bottom so I didn't fall in.  He agreed and i pushed myself up. I told him I was ready to get in the boat and he looked over and forgot about me.  I then fell in the boat and scrapped the whole right side of my body on the boat.  He looked over and said "oh are you ready to go back now?"

We took off and I sat shaking I was so cold and wet.  He had a nice jacket on and was dry, and continued to wear his warm jacket.  A real hero.

I realized in my frozen state that I had been lied to all these years in movies.  When you are rescued from the ocean you will not be rescued by Thor, there are no blankets to make you warm, no hot cocoa to ease your troubles, a hobbit won't even give you his jacket to keep warm.  Ryan Reynolds and Sandra Bullock you lied to me!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="450"] via[/caption]

I made it back to my cabin, found the staff bathrooms and took the longest hot shower ever.  I then put on all my clothes and sat on my bunk bed and at the rest of the Oreos I brought for the children.  The rest of the day I just watched and did not try to pretend it was fun.  The next morning as soon as the sun came up I jumped out of bed and yelled, "We go home today!"

I then had to force a girl to go snorkeling again and she cussed me out in Chinese, or at least I think she did, I don't speak Chinese.  I got on another boat this time a little wiser and a little beat up and knew I would never go back to the Island from Hell ever again.

Listed Tuesday - So You Wanna Go Out?

Today I thought it would be fun to make a list of actual pick up lines the fine gentlemen of the world have used on me in an effort to go on a date.  They are all 100% real and I am not making any of them up.  I also should clarify I only went out with about half of these guys I do have some discretion but not a lot cause I did go out with some of them.



- So wanna go out tonight.  My wife will have my two kids and I am free to do whatever I want.

- Did you know I had my nipples pierced?

- If you don't care that my nipples are pierced, did you know that I had a Prince Albert? (wink)

- If I was 25 years younger I would totally date you.  Actually, do you want to get dinner tomorrow night?

- I was just sitting here drinking alone and wanted to know if you wanted to get coffee next week.

- So wanna get dinner at Denny's?

- Holy crap, you're tall for a white girl!

- Wanna come over and watch Indiana Jones tonight?

- Your favorite beer is Blue Moon?  I guess this means we should get married.

- I am looking for a woman that I can be the boss of.

- Have you ever been to the three dollar theater?

- Can I come over to your house and watch the latest episode of The Office?  I will bring cup of noodles for a snack.

- I am training to become an ultimate fighting champion.  My cage name is Prince Of Pain.

Please join me for Listed Tuesday and make sure to check off each item on the list below:
- Follow Erica Jacquline on Bloglovin (It is only polite)
- Write a post about anything you want that includes a list of sorts
- Add the Listed Button to your post
- Come by Erica Jacquline on Tuesdays and add your link
- Read other posts, comment, and make new friends
- Shower, rinse, repeat each week.

I would love it if you guessed which of these guys I actually went on a date with.  What is one of the best lines you have heard to get you on a date?

A Mother's Day PSA

Popping in today to wish all the mommas, human and fur alike, a happy Mother's Day!

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="525"] My lovely momma and me![/caption]

I also wanted to help my single sisters out.  Just FYI all the hotties are out in droves today buying last minute mothers days cards, flowers, and gifts.  Go to Target and cruise the card isle.  Go to Trader Joe's and stalk the flower section.  Go to Starbucks and order a few coffees and wait for a many buying a gift card.

Pro: He loves his mom and is buying her something.

Con: He waited until the last minute to buy his momma a gift.

Pro: It is the only day each year you can flirt with three good looking men in the Target check out line.  PS I understand why it is called a Check Out Line, #ifyaknowwhatimtalkingabout.

Pro: You are at Target buying a last minute card too, ice breaker!

6 Ways to Get Retweeted

I was so touched by your sweet comments yesterday about my taking a little step back from blogging for May.  You all were so sweet it made my day!  As I promised I am sticking with Listed Tuesdays and today I am bringing you something no one asked me to do a how to about.

Six Ways to Get Retweeted by Celebrities

1. Be A Dog - I tell you people love dogs and celebrities are people so dogs get a ton of celebrity retweets.  Penny is still looking for her big break. I have a feeling Zooey Deschanel will be the one to come through for her though.  That girl loves her pups.

Example:

Penny The Puppy loves watching @zooeydeschanel in New Girl and wishes she lived in the loft with all that awesomeness.



2. Be Ellen DeGeneres - I mean come on.  If you do not know about her Oscar selfie retweet, you were probably in a coma, but even coma patients who woke up recently know about this selfie.

Example:

https://twitter.com/TheEllenShow/status/440322224407314432

3. Be a Hottie - Proven fact people who are hot or think they are hot are retweeted more than people who do not think they are hot.

4. Be On The Verge of a Breakdown - You need to make it clear that if so and so does not retweet your desperate attempt of twitter connection you will probably die of distress.  Also include your marital status and number of dependents you care for.  And of course include the words, "Can I get a RT?"

Example:

"ILY @leodicaprio!  Can a single mom of six get a RT?  I work 60 hours a week at Walmart and a RT from you will give me the will to live."

5. Be Relentless - If at first you don't succeed keep on trying again and again.  Only stop when twitter shuts your account down for the third time.

Example:

@annakendrick47 I know you have reported all 534 of my tweets to you and my twitter account was disabled, but If you RT me I will leave you alone forever.

6. Be All Things - If none of these work I suggest you just combine them all together for a be all and end all of all tweet.

Example:

@zoeydeschanel @annakendrick47@leodicaprio can Penny get a RT. She is so sad and depressed you have not respond to her 9869 other tweets. @TheEllenshow said you should.



Don't Forget to link up your Listed Tuesday Posts!

Please join me for Listed Tuesday and make sure to check off each item on the list below:
- Follow Erica Jacquline on Bloglovin (It is only polite)
- Write a post about anything you want that includes a list of sorts
- Add the Listed Button to your post
- Come by Erica Jacquline on Tuesdays and add your link
- Read other posts, comment, and make new friends
- Shower, rinse, repeat each week

12 Things I Am Afraid To Tell You About Erica: Penny's Prerogative

So yesterday Erica took to her blog and decided to share 12 Things She Is Afraid To Tell You About Me and after learning how to read last night I read her post and I was outraged!  I felt like I needed to come over here and defend myself against those grievous accusations.  However, I realized most of them were true.  I then decided the best revenge would be to tell you 12 Things I Am Afraid To Tell You About Erica, actually it should be 12 Things Erica is Afraid of Me Telling You, but I was going for continuity.

I have also decided to use my Penny's Prerogative post to address this pressing issue as The searches that lead the fine folks of internet searches to Erica's blog were not that exciting this month.



1. Erica is the worst at sharing her food.  She makes some delish items for dinner and she NEVER shares it with me.  I will bite her shin, starch her ankles, make the cutest eyes at her and nothing.  I have had to resort to jumping all over her or causing a distraction on one side of the house and hope she leaves her food on a table I can reach.  It doesn't always work but I will never forget the In n Out burger of December 2013.



2. Erica likes to sleep too much. Last night for example I woke up at 1am and I really wanted to play with whoever was outside our house.  I barked and barked for Erica to let me outside, but she just stayed in bed.  She then tried to take me outside to potty, but that was not what I wanted.  I do not understand why she would need more than 2 hours of sleep.

3. She will not let me play with the drug using neighbors. They tried to pet me last night as we walked to our car.  They said I was soft.  They also had long white sticks hanging out of their mouths that were stinky.  I think they are my type of people.

4. She never takes me anywhere!  Apparently she has this thing that no other human being has called a "job."  She will leave for like 8 hours and then come back later in the day.  I think it is just made up because there are plenty of people who live by us without these so called jobs (see #3).



5. I only bark at men that run by the house because Erica won't. I am a mind reader and I can tell she likes them.  She is just so shy she won't stand up for herself and bark to let them know she is interested. I guess I have to do everything around here.

6. Erica wears the best smelling shoes in the world.  I just want to smash my face in them and then eat them.  I have gotten my teeth on two pairs of shoes so far and I am always on the lookout for more.



7.  Erica said yesterday that I poop a lot and I would have to agree.  You know who else would agree Taro Gomi the author of Everybody Poops. Hence Erica poops and so do you. Stop judging me.

8. Erica sprays herself with stinky stuff all the time. I always sit in the bathroom while she is getting ready in the morning and all her sprays make me sneeze.  She sprays stuff on her hair to make it shine and to make it stay in place.  She sprays stuff on her skin to smell like heaven and she sprays things to clean up the sink.  I am telling you this girl is killing the earth.  Al Gore would be mad.

9. Erica would like you to believe that she is fit and healthy.  I would disagree.  I go on all the walks she goes on and I can tell you that she only will walk for like an hour every day.  How is someone supposed to get their wiggles out in an hour?  If Erica was less lazy I know she would be a better person.



10. Erica has taught me to replace my feelings of sadness with food.  Whenever she leaves me for the day she gives m a treat for sitting and staying in place.  I am now a dog who eats her feelings.

11. Erica is disgusting and takes a shower every day. I cannot believe that she would do that to herself.  She tries to give me a shower or a bath once a week and that is too much.  Who in the world would subject themselves to showers every single day?



12. Last but not least, Erica is crazy loud when she watches the tv show with the white ice and little men hitting a ball around.  The last game we watched she started to scream at her TV.  I tried to calm her down by barking a lot and biting her hand, but that did not help.  She is just uncontrollable.



Well friends I am so glad I was able to share these fascinating tips with you.  I really hope you know more about Erica and the girl she is trying to hide from you on a regular basis.  I also hope Erica has learned her lesson and will think twice before she write all my secretes for the internet to read.

12 Things I Am Afraid To Tell You About Penny: Listed Tuesday

I feel I need to warn you that this post may not be as funny as I think it is right now.  I have been awake since 3:30 am and the time is now 9 pm.  I am funning on caffeine fumes, peanut butter cookies, and crystal meth.  In case you missed my announcement earlier today crystal meth is my pet name for Chipotle.

I actually went to bed and then had  like 11 million ideas and got back up to write this post.  Today I decided to go the more vulnerable route and share 12 things I am afraid to tell you… About my dog, Penny.



 

1. Penny is afraid of some people.  She actually will get out of her collar and run away if she gets a bad vibe from another person. This only happened once, so pretty much she met Hitler.

2. Penny is a beardist.  Again I cannot believe I am telling you this but Penny hates people with beards.  She does not discriminate either, man or woman, black or white, you got a beard she has a problem.

3. Penny has eaten two pairs of reading glasses.  I can't even handle this one right now. My glasses are so expensive it is not funny. She found both my regular pair and back up pair and destroyed them. So far new pari is holding up just fine. You can read about Penny The Punisher here.

4. Actually, Penny will eat anything and everything.  I have to leave my laundry basked on my night stand so she can not get another pair of underwear or socks.  I am running out of essentials!

5. She likes to bark at hot guys who are not wearing shirts as they run by our house or car.  It has become a problem inasmuch as they never even give her a second look. You would think her self esteem would be low, but she is surprisingly resilient and just keeps going.

6. She is most afraid of her own reflection.  On a walk around the neighborhood she will want run away if she catches a glimpse of herself in a neighbor's newly waxed car.  The mirror in my bedroom is aways a place of constant angst as she looks at her reflection and tries to pick a fight with the other dog she sees.

7. Homegirl can poop. I actually think you guys already knew this one.



8. Penny HAS to be the center of attention for the whole world.  If she is hungry or needs to poop (See #7) no on in the world will be able to do anything until her needs are met. She also created her own Instagram.  I guess you can follow her if you dare @penny_grams



9. Penny has strange sleeping habits.  She sleeps under my bed until about 1am and then jumps on my bed and sleeps on my hair for the rest of the night.

10. She is the least helpful blog assistant ever. At this very moment she is biting my hand so I will pet her.  Shesh she is so selfish. Doesn't she know I am writing about her?

11. Ever since I compared her to Matthew McConaughey, here, she has been unbearable.  Demanding home cooked dinners, threatening to pee on my new rug, and wanting me to hold her donut rawhide so she can chew it at an elevated level.

12. She is one spoiled puppy.  Her days consist of laying around on the couch watching Harry Potter.  When she is hungry she walks around the house with her empty plate as a way of telling us she would like some more.  She knows what she wants and she knows how to get it.



 



Whew that was a load off.  I am so glad i was finally able to open my heart and share theses things about Penny with you.  I can go on with my day feeling lighter and free.

Please join me for Listed Tuesday and make sure to check off each item on the list below:
- Follow Erica Jacquline on Bloglovin (It is only polite)
- Write a post about anything you want that includes a list of sorts
- Add the Listed Button to your post
- Come by Erica Jacquline on Tuesdays and add your link
- Read other posts, comment, and make new friends
- Shower, rinse, repeat each week

Being A Girl Is Hard Work - Listed Friday

Today I had a lovely time looking for a new media stand for my living room, returning my shopping splurge at Target, and taking Penny to the vet.  When I got home I went to the restroom and look at my pretty face.  I then noticed I had a lovely dot smack dab between my eyes.  Turns out I poked myself with my mascara wand in the morning and did not notice.  I then proceeded to walk around town with a rather offensive mascara bindi on my forehead.  In case you did not just google it, a bindi is the red dot an Indian woman may wear on her forehead.

After this awesome makeup snafu I realized that being a girl is super hard work.  A guy would never have to worry about going to Target with a mascara mark on his face.  They just get to not wear make up and have people say they are handsome.  Easiest life ever.

I then came up with a list of all the ways that being a girl is just plain hard for Listed Friday.

[caption id="attachment_1506" align="aligncenter" width="600"] Please note the mascara between my eyes.[/caption]

 

- Children. As a girl you are automatically forced to share a public restroom with all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they all pee in the women's room and it is a pain.  Children crawling under your stall, crying that they don't want to share a stall with their mommy, spilling water and soap all over the counter and not cleaning it up, and the smell of baby poo in every. public. restroom.  I did not choose to have children I should not have to deal with all the children of the world and their bowel movements, even if Jesus does love them.

- Childbearing. While we are speaking of children what is with women being the only gender to have them.  Moms out there you can yell at me, but I am not a fan of getting fat and stretched out and then pushing something out of me.  Maybe if I was a mom or pregnant I would sing a different tune, for today right now, It just blows that the gender I am is the one that has to endure this trauma.

- Fat. The fact that our bodies just hold fat a little bit better than men's bodies.  Come on man!  Again it is because of the whole having a child thing.  Children really are selfish.

- Equal Pay Acts. The fact that the Senate had to even have a vote for an Equal Pay Bill so women can make the same amount of money as a man for equal work.  It boggles my mind that as a nation we have to try to make things fair in the work place still.  Women make $0.77 for every dollar a man makes for the same job.  Why?  I just can not figure out how this happens in our world today.  And if you do not think this is really happening I promise it is.  Email me and I am more than happy to tell you some personal experiences.

- Slower metabolisms.  Men can eat more and get away with it.  I am friends with a married couple that wanted to lose weight.  They both joined Weight Watchers together.  The woman could eat 1200 calories a day and the man could eat 2000.  He would pig out on pizza and still lost more weight than she did.  Being a girl is hard.

- Blogging.  It is a proven statistic that 97% of bloggers are women.  Blogging takes a lot of time from your life and requires much creativity and business savvy.  It is probably why the land of the blogs seems to be testosterone free.

- Make up.  Just the fact that we wear it and men do not.  The fact that men are still deemed handsome or hot without make up and women without make up are haggard or tired.  It is a sad sad world.

- Feminine products, all of them.  It is just a lot of stuff we have to buy on a regular basis

- Undergarments.  So if we are good people and don't free boob it on a regular basis we have to buy twice the amount of undergarments as the men folk.  I also think we pay a lot more for our undergarments too. Stupid boobs, if you aren't too big or too small you are just too expensive.

- All the tests. Mammograms, paps, ultrasounds, test of all relationships, etc.

- Waxing.  Why can't women be valued for being hairy?  I am just saying it is a ton of money and pain just to wax what needs to be waxed.

On the other side it is wonderful to know that I will never have to worry about what a prostate really is or have a doctor check it.  I also don't have to pay on a date so I guess I will take what I can get.

In order to participate in Listed Friday you will need to:

- Follow Erica Jacquline  on Bloglovin (It is only polite)
- Write a post about anything you want that includes a list of sorts
- Add the Listed Button to your post
- Come by Erica Jacquline on Fridays and add your link
- Read other posts, comment, and make new friends
- Shower, rinse, repeat each week

What are somethings that make being a girl hard, but are totally worth it because being a girl ain't so bad. 

You Asked, I Instagramed

Hello lovelies!  I hope you had a great Easter yesterday, that you ate too much and celebrated in a way that helped you feel more loved.

Yesterday I tweeted for people to send me their questions and I would answer them.  The way I intended to answer all the questions was through my Instagram photos. So let's let the questions and photo answers begin.

Question -  Can animals have a spirit animal? 

Answer - YES!  Every animal has a spirit animal.  The thing about animals and their spirit animals is that their spirit animal has to be a celebrity.  Determining who your pet's spirit animal is can take some time and effort.  It took me six months to figure out who Penny's spirit animal was.  I only know now because her latest haircut was probably too short and she looked like a different dog.



 

After I took her "After" photo I knew who her spirit animal was, Matthew McConaughey.  They both can be a the height of their physical game, and they both can transform their physical appearance to look ragged and gaunt.  They also both like playing the bongos naked.

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="630"] via[/caption]

 

Question - What does one wear to a jam making party? 

Answer - I think the answer to this is quite obvious, DJ Kitty shirt.  Wearing an equally unique shirt for a unique party is a must.  It will help you harness your pun making abilities and spread the love because we are jammin'!



 

Question - What is the hot color for Spring and Summer? 

Answer - According to my alter ego, LIttle Miss Coral, the hot color of the season is coral.

 



 

Question - Should I ever leave my phone at home and take time to enjoy the world around me?

Answer - NO!  That is the worst thing you could ever do.  What if you forgot your phone while you were walking your puppy around the neighborhood and you see the saddest fire hydrant in the world? How would you be able to photograph it and caption the photo "whomp whomp?"  Good thing I had my phone when this event transpired.



 

Question - How do I build better relationships with my neighbors?

Answer - Take your dog for an early morning walk so that she can relieve herself and go number 2.  Then plan to have her go more number 2 than she have ever gone in her life.  While you are cleaning up after your dog, because you are a good human who cleans up their dog's poop, have the neighbor boy run outside and have your dog run away from you.

In the process run after your dog and attempt to untangle her leash.  While you are at it make sure you do not tie up the poopy bag.  Hopefully some of your dog's poop will make its way on the neighbor boy and your friendship with the neighbors will be solidified.  You will even exchange hand written letters.



I also blogged extensively about this instance, which you can read here and here.

 

Question - Is Siri a man?

Answer - It is my experience that it is best practice to just ask the source.



 

Question - As an English Teacher I am sure you have the best book recommendations.  Can you please recommend a book that will make me laugh, cry, and think?

Answer - Yes I can do that.  I recommend the award-winning canine literature favorite Sorry I Pooped in Your Shoe.  You won't be able to put it down.



 

Question - I have been trying to lose a couple of pounds.  Do you think I need to lose weight? 

Answer - I think I will just let this photo speak for itself.



 

Question - Do you think Miley Cyrus is negatively affecting the youth of the world?

Answer - According to a recent Gallup poll young ladies reporting increased incidents of tweaking and tongue sticking outing.  The number of these incidents has risen an outstanding 23487%



 

Question - When does life begin? 

Answer - I look for all my answers to life's biggest questions in the card aisle of Target.  I think I have found just the card to answer your important question.



 

This concludes today's edition of You Asked, I Instagramed.  If you would like to ask a question for a future post feel free to email me at ericajacquline@gmail.com.  You can also follow all of my Instagram ways here @ericajacquline